One toe over the line...

askmrjesus · 01-09-2009, 10:40 PM

I woke up a few nights ago with a cat hanging off of my toe by his fangs.

This actually happens on a regular basis, so I wasn't too concerned until I realized there was no cat, just a pain where I thought the cat would be. Stupid toe hurt all day.

Woke up this morning with same phantom cat, biting the same toe. I call it the Mayonaise toe, because I'm not sure what the name for this toe is. I am, however, pretty sure it's the little piggy that had roast beef, which goes good with mayonnaise, hence, the mayonnaise toe, (it's the toe next to the pinky toe).

Anyway, the stupid little bastard toe hurts like hell, so I start googling toe ailments. Leprosy..no. Toe jam...nope. Toe fever...no, not that one either.

Then I find "The Gout" (which I always thought was a 70's punk band from England) and there it is. Phantom cat bite pains, hurts like hell, blah blah blah.

So now I'm pretty sure I've got "The Gout" in my mayonnaise toe, and I am fucking pissed! I'm pissed because the causes of "The Gout" are too much red meat (which confirms my suspicion of the little piggy that had roast beef), dehydration, (I hate water) and alcohol consumption, (specifically BEER).

Beer? I have a beer related toe disease? Oh no, back the fuck up. My toe is pissed at me because I drink beer? Fuck that toe, he doesn't even have a proper name, he's just a useless little fucker between the pinky toe and the middle toe. Who the fuck does he think he is, waking me up at night with invisible cat bite pain? Asshole toe. What is he, a fucking Mormon?

So I'm looking at the treatment options on the toes"R"us website. Eat less red meat...ok, I can deal with that. Drink more water...ok, fuck it, I'll try. Cut down on beer...Hmmm...let's see, drink less beer...Oh wait, I have an idea, how about, FUCK YOU TOE, I'LL drink as much beer as I want!

Then it dawns on me. This toe is a goddamn trouble maker. I have to act fast before he goes all fucking Che Guevara on me, and starts talking all the rest of the toes into getting "The Gout" as an act of solidarity within the toe brotherhood.

He must be made an example of, so I'm cutting his ass off before all the rest of my toes fall victim to his anti-beer propaganda.

One bottle of whiskey, and a sharp chisel, and that bitch is history. Fuck that toe, it's not like he's a lung or something important.

Sure, it's going to hurt for a while, but the other toes won't even think twice about getting "The Gout" after they see what happens to Mayonnaise toe...

JC

2up · 01-09-2009, 10:48 PM

If you really do have gout, good luck with that. I had a co-worker who had it, and he was an avid beer drinker as well. He was MISERBLE a lot because of it. The gout I mean. And lack of desire to quit drinking beer.

Mikey · 01-09-2009, 10:48 PM

LittleTaz · 01-09-2009, 10:58 PM

:bigrofl:

lauralynne · 01-09-2009, 11:00 PM

dude - now you're going to have to get custom sandles!! best of luck

Trip · 01-09-2009, 11:05 PM

most disturbing post of the day and that goat with the jesus face anus was pretty bad.

Mr Lefty · 01-09-2009, 11:26 PM

I'm just wonder'n what Jesus's posts would be like if he was drunk...

01-09-2009, 10:40 PM	#1
askmrjesus Soul Man Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Everywhere, all the time. Moto: '0000 Custom Turbo Cross (with jet kit). Posts: 6,481	One toe over the line... I woke up a few nights ago with a cat hanging off of my toe by his fangs. This actually happens on a regular basis, so I wasn't too concerned until I realized there was no cat, just a pain where I thought the cat would be. Stupid toe hurt all day. Woke up this morning with same phantom cat, biting the same toe. I call it the Mayonaise toe, because I'm not sure what the name for this toe is. I am, however, pretty sure it's the little piggy that had roast beef, which goes good with mayonnaise, hence, the mayonnaise toe, (it's the toe next to the pinky toe). Anyway, the stupid little bastard toe hurts like hell, so I start googling toe ailments. Leprosy..no. Toe jam...nope. Toe fever...no, not that one either. Then I find "The Gout" (which I always thought was a 70's punk band from England) and there it is. Phantom cat bite pains, hurts like hell, blah blah blah. So now I'm pretty sure I've got "The Gout" in my mayonnaise toe, and I am fucking pissed! I'm pissed because the causes of "The Gout" are too much red meat (which confirms my suspicion of the little piggy that had roast beef), dehydration, (I hate water) and alcohol consumption, (specifically BEER). Beer? I have a beer related toe disease? Oh no, back the fuck up. My toe is pissed at me because I drink beer? Fuck that toe, he doesn't even have a proper name, he's just a useless little fucker between the pinky toe and the middle toe. Who the fuck does he think he is, waking me up at night with invisible cat bite pain? Asshole toe. What is he, a fucking Mormon? So I'm looking at the treatment options on the toes"R"us website. Eat less red meat...ok, I can deal with that. Drink more water...ok, fuck it, I'll try. Cut down on beer...Hmmm...let's see, drink less beer...Oh wait, I have an idea, how about, FUCK YOU TOE, I'LL drink as much beer as I want! Then it dawns on me. This toe is a goddamn trouble maker. I have to act fast before he goes all fucking Che Guevara on me, and starts talking all the rest of the toes into getting "The Gout" as an act of solidarity within the toe brotherhood. He must be made an example of, so I'm cutting his ass off before all the rest of my toes fall victim to his anti-beer propaganda. One bottle of whiskey, and a sharp chisel, and that bitch is history. Fuck that toe, it's not like he's a lung or something important. Sure, it's going to hurt for a while, but the other toes won't even think twice about getting "The Gout" after they see what happens to Mayonnaise toe... JC __________________ The way things are going, they're gonna crucify me.

01-09-2009, 10:48 PM	#3
Mikey Raving Lunatic Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: San Antonio, Texas Moto: Concours 14 ABS, ZX6E Posts: 902	__________________ Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

01-09-2009, 10:58 PM	#4
LittleTaz WERA Yellow Plate Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Greenbrier, TN Moto: '00 Ninja 250 Posts: 748	:bigrofl: __________________ Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

01-09-2009, 11:00 PM	#5
lauralynne 667:Neighbor of the Beast Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Everett WA Moto: VTR1000, SV650, FZR400, CRF150 Posts: 1,403	dude - now you're going to have to get custom sandles!! best of luck __________________ WMRRA's slowest Expert! triathalete, mom, racer, rider, friend, sister, wife - all in one tidy package! Married my best friend 8/30/09

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01-09-2009, 10:48 PM	#2
2up Waiting for Hello Kitty! Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Arizona Moto: Nothing ATM, which makes me want to cry. Posts: 810	If you really do have gout, good luck with that. I had a co-worker who had it, and he was an avid beer drinker as well. He was MISERBLE a lot because of it. The gout I mean. And lack of desire to quit drinking beer.

01-09-2009, 11:26 PM	#7
Mr Lefty TWFix Legend Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Denver CO Moto: 01 BMW F650GS Dakar Posts: 15,677	I'm just wonder'n what Jesus's posts would be like if he was drunk...