There is a Hell....Dixie Stampede

[ontwo]

Ok, for those of you who may not know, here is the lowdown. There is this show in Pigeon Forge, TN, called the Dixie Stampede. It is one of those god awful tourist traps of the Great Smokey Mountains. It is a dinner show in a horse arena. Now granted, there are some talented riders and well trained horses. But beyond that, it was terrible.

First, why did I go? I have been hearing from friends for years, "DS is an amazing show with great food. You gotta go, blah, blah, blah." Well this year, my MIL offered to buy the tickets. So, what the hell, I'll take a free meal.

Ok, the wifey and I hate country music of any fashion. So we get to the "pre-show" (read: get the people there early to buy popcorn and sodas before the meal) Oh, and there was NO alcohol at this event. But I digress. We get to the pre-show and find that it is nothing more than a barn-type auditorium with bluegrass performers on stage. My wife and I immediately start texting death threats to our friends and family who recommended this.

After 30 minutes of the banjo torment (which included the blugrass versions of Aerosmith and Guns & Roses), we move to the main arena. This place seats about 1100 and is packed. As we anxiously await our "wonderful" meal, our server informs us that there are no utensils at this event. W...T...F????? Now I've read the menu, and I didn't expect to be eating with my fingers.

Our meal consists of soup (in a bowl with a handle for drinking), biscuits, a cornish hen, half of a baked potato, one slice of pork loin, and an apple turnover. All in all, the food was good.

The show is a civil war theme. I know a lot of people that get into that, but I don't. They divide the audience into North and South. The performers compete in different events on horseback in order to capture flags for their respective sides while the audience cheers for its respective side. My 7 year old really enjoyed being able to yell and scream at the top of her lungs (this is the ONLY high point of the event). As long as she is having fun, I can live through it.

So after about an hour and a half of this it ends. We made it through. It was over...or so I thought.

About 6 am the next morning I have the distinct feeling in my stomach that I had too much to drink the night before. No problem. Wait, I only had one beer last night. Hmmm weird. I fall back to sleep. At 8:00 a.m. I bound for the bathroom and begin violently puking. I'm talking about vomitting until I thought I would see my shoes in the toilet.

After 2 hours of this, I know that I'm gonna need a doctor. I've done this before. So I call the front desk and ask where the nearest walk in clinic is. Great, it is just down the road.

I sign in and ask the woman, "Do you treat food poisoning" She replies, "Yes" So I take my seat in the waiting room. For the next hour, I run back and forth to the restroom. Yes, the vomitting has passed, but the diarrhea fun has just begun. Finally, they call me back. After being questioned briefly, the nurse informs me that they can't administer IV fluids at this clinic. What? But the receptionist told me... Seriously, I was too ill to even blow up at this woman. She gave me directions to the nearest hospital. On the road again.

The hospital is 5 miles away. After stopping for a restroom at the Sunoco, I make it.

After another hour in agony, I get back into a room. Two bags of fluid and 4 hours later, I get to head back to the hotel where my wife and daughter had been stranded all day because I had the car. Luckily, they hung out at the pool and made some new friends.

So, no matter what your religion I can assure you that there is a hell. It is called Dixie Stampede.

Now I just need a T-shirt that says, "I went to Dixie Stampede and all I got was Food Poisoning"