Q for divorced parents

[Captain Morgan]

I'd like to get an idea of how many of you have liberal parenting schedules. Specifically, do the fathers get to keep their children overnight at all during the weeks when the kids are in school?

My daughter is 5 and starts kindergarten this year. I've always had her overnight when I have her, including during the week, and it's been very close to equal time. Her mom and I have never been married and my daughter has never known us being together. Currently, I don't have anything in writing or any court order, but her mom has always let me have my daughter as much as possible.

She recently found out I have a girlfriend and has gone apeshit. Apparently, she always thought I'd "come around" and decide to be with her. Now she's trying to use school as an excuse to say that I can't have my daughter overnight as much as I have been. However, I have several e-mails where she's shown a tendancy to be unreasonable, including one where she says, "You know, I do blame you for things. Like, Allie not having one home and maybe I do want to punish you a bit for that." I'm hoping that comment is all I need for a judge to see the truth behind my ex's actions. I've always had my daughter overnight when I've had her, it shouldn't change now.

I've already filed a petition with the courts, but no date has been set, as there is a backlog. School starts in less than a month and I'm afraid I'm going to be screwed until court because my ex is insisting that my daughter will not be allowed to stay overnight at my house during the week. I'm calling my attorney tomorrow to find out what I should do if my daughter's mom tries to pick her up from my house on nights I'd normally have her.

At any rate, I'd just like to know if any fathers have their children overnight during the school week. I live 1.5 miles away from my daughter's school, so distance obviously isn't an issue.

[TommyHotWheel]

I have been in that situation and know alot of parents in the same(except all were married). In the area I am from if you are within a certain distance from each other or the school and you have joint custody, the kids stay on school nights. I have never known parents who live close to not have kids on school nights unless they agree not to. Is your child service tied in to the court or separate? In Michigan it is seperate until there are legal issues like one parent wont allow parenting time or child support has stopped, this could speed it up and if you dont have a written agreement or court order for parenting time and responsibilities....now seems like a good time to get it in writing.

[Amber Lamps]

That sucks Avery... BTW I disagree with THW, the time to "get it in writing" was shortly after you broke up... I'm sorry but I don't understand why guys consistently wait until AFTER the woman starts giving them problems to get the custody issues worked out. I have seen this so many times with my friends that I could write a very extensive second hand book about it. The new girlfriend is almost always the catalyst for this type of childish behavior from the mother and it never ceases to sicken me how they'll use the child as a weapon. The most amazing thing for me is that with the number of men out there who have very little or nothing to do with their children, you'd think the "lucky few" women who have men who actually care about their children would be happy... not the case.

Bro, just try to remain calm, don't say or do anything that she can use against you later. Let her have her way for the next few weeks and tough it out. Don't let yourself be sucked into some crazy battle where the real loser will be your daughter. I may not have any kids but I've been in your daughter's position and it can really suck! If you have an Android phone there are several applications that allow you to record your conversations, get one and keep tabs on what she says to you when you request time to see your daughter...again please remain calm. I know that your little girl is by far the most important thing in your life but a few weeks without having her overnight won't kill either of you. Good luck man!

[Kaneman]

I second recording your phone calls, but the catch is that you do have to let her know. Simply open up every call with, "This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance."

Sorry bro, women get evil at times like this, cover yourself.

[skiergirl]

Check your state laws on recording before you do it. In some states only 1 party has to know it's being recorded and that 1 party can be YOU. She may not even have to know which makes it better.

That sucks she's doing all this but without any formal custody papers usually it's considered joint custody and who ever has the kid at the time has them. If she won't give her to you then you can't take her. Same goes for when you have her....there probably isn't much anyone but a lawyer and the courts can do for you now. Do your best to be the reasonable, civil one even when she's being a psycho and no matter how shitty she is to you never mention any of it around your daughter.

Best of luck to you!

[Amber Lamps]

Originally Posted by skiergirl

Check your state laws on recording before you do it. In some states only 1 party has to know it's being recorded and that 1 party can be YOU. She may not even have to know which makes it better.

That sucks she's doing all this but without any formal custody papers usually it's considered joint custody and who ever has the kid at the time has them. If she won't give her to you then you can't take her. Same goes for when you have her....there probably isn't much anyone but a lawyer and the courts can do for you now. Do your best to be the reasonable, civil one even when she's being a psycho and no matter how shitty she is to you never mention any of it around your daughter.

Best of luck to you!

I agree, check with your lawyer. In my limited second hand experience proof goes a long way in these cases. FWIW these applications do have provisions for just recording YOUR side of the conversation which will at least prove that you DIDN'T say something you may be accused of later.

[Captain Morgan]

Thanks all. Yes, the time to take care of things was back when we split up. I know that now, but can't go back in time so the time to do it is now. I am trying to be civil, but it's extremely difficult with all the crap she pulls. I also do my best to communicate with her via e-mail, so everything is in writing and I don't have to worry about the laws regarding phone call recording. She puts a lot of stuff in writing that can damage her case, so hopefully the e-mails will help. If she insists on keeping me from having my daughter overnight, I'll see if the attorney can push for the case to be moved up.

I also do my damndest never to bring things up around my daughter. But it really pisses me off to hear things like, "Mommy says that you're trying to make Sarah my new mommy." Or "Mommy says that if I see Sarah, I'm supposed to scream and run away." Or even this stupid lack of logic from her right after she claims she's doing what's best for my daughter, "You have the ability to have more children. I'll never have any more. Allie is the only child I'll ever have. Since you can have more, I should be able to have Allie more than you do."

And I'm pretty sure Indiana is "one party knowledge" when it comes to recording phone calls.

[Amber Lamps]

Originally Posted by Captain Morgan

Thanks all. Yes, the time to take care of things was back when we split up. I know that now, but can't go back in time so the time to do it is now. I am trying to be civil, but it's extremely difficult with all the crap she pulls. I also do my best to communicate with her via e-mail, so everything is in writing and I don't have to worry about the laws regarding phone call recording. She puts a lot of stuff in writing that can damage her case, so hopefully the e-mails will help. If she insists on keeping me from having my daughter overnight, I'll see if the attorney can push for the case to be moved up.

And I'm pretty sure Indiana is "one party knowledge" when it comes to recording phone calls.

Good! I know that it is hard but I also know that you love your daughter and for that reason you have to bite your tongue and keep your head. Please don't make this about "not letting that bitch have her way"... what's the big deal about having your daughter overnight? Pick your daughter up and drop her off when the mother wants you to and bide your time. Don't be angry bro, that's what she wants. Heck, when you drop your daughter off, let it "slip" that since you have the evening free, you're taking your gf out to dinner, have to get to Blockbuster to pick up the movie she wants to see or whatever... Man, NOTHING infuriates a woman more than a man that won't fight with her!!!

[skiergirl]

Originally Posted by Amber Lamps

Good! I know that it is hard but I also know that you love your daughter and for that reason you have to bite your tongue and keep your head. Please don't make this about "not letting that bitch have her way"... what's the big deal about having your daughter overnight? Pick your daughter up and drop her off when the mother wants you to and bide your time. Don't be angry bro, that's what she wants. Heck, when you drop your daughter off, let it "slip" that since you have the evening free, you're taking your gf out to dinner, have to get to Blockbuster to pick up the movie she wants to see or whatever... Man, NOTHING infuriates a woman more than a man that won't fight with her!!!

as much as I hate to agree with this, it is completely true. NOT getting angry is the best punishment ever! It drives women nuts! If she thinks it's working out for you to drop her off before bed, she'll probably stop demanding it thinking if you have your daughter then your 'date' time is ruined and she wins. For her to say those things to your daughter is just unbelievable to me. What is wrong with people?

[Captain Morgan]

Originally Posted by Amber Lamps

Good! I know that it is hard but I also know that you love your daughter and for that reason you have to bite your tongue and keep your head. Please don't make this about "not letting that bitch have her way"... what's the big deal about having your daughter overnight? Pick your daughter up and drop her off when the mother wants you to and bide your time. Don't be angry bro, that's what she wants. Heck, when you drop your daughter off, let it "slip" that since you have the evening free, you're taking your gf out to dinner, have to get to Blockbuster to pick up the movie she wants to see or whatever... Man, NOTHING infuriates a woman more than a man that won't fight with her!!!

It's about being a good father and having a good relationship with her. I grew up in a split household, with a very similar arrangement to what my ex wants. I don't have a good relationship with my father. Whenever at his house, it was always just "play time." I feel that if I have my daughter overnight, she'll grow up to know that I took care of her, rather than just having play time with her. By having her overnight, I get to have her take a bath, brush her teeth, and go to bed. I get to read her stories in bed. I get to get her ready in the morning and take her to school. I get to be a parent.

Originally Posted by skiergirl

as much as I hate to agree with this, it is completely true. NOT getting angry is the best punishment ever! It drives women nuts! If she thinks it's working out for you to drop her off before bed, she'll probably stop demanding it thinking if you have your daughter then your 'date' time is ruined and she wins. For her to say those things to your daughter is just unbelievable to me. What is wrong with people?

I'll have to keep that in mind, but also don't want to do anything that she could take to court, claiming that I'm happy not to have my daughter overnights. If she's able to claim that, and use my lack of arguing, or my happiness to have more time with the g/f, as support for her case, the judge might side with her.