The Joke Thread

[OTB]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

[vabarber2]

Good One!

[Audiomechanic]

Nice!

Here's one:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ......... You got nice house.'

[Dave]

twf!

oh you meant actual jokes lol

[fpzx10]

Larry was on his deathbed. His wife asked if he had any last wishes.
He said, "After I pass on, I want you to marry Jack."
His wife then replied, "But honey, I thought you hated Jack."
Larry said, "I do."

[OTB]

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH



Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[marko138]

Nice work guys.

[fpzx10]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals.

King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan and a Monkey pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?


Your answer will reflect your personality.


Think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds


Got your answer?


Now scroll down to see the analysis.



























If your answer is:


Orangutan = you're dull & normal



Ape = you're a moron



Monkey = worse, you're an idiot


King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid





Why?????









A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas!


Obviously you're stressed and overworked. Take some time off and relax !

[marko138]

[DLIT]

You sneaky bastard.