Today's Funny - Page 2

CasterTroy · 12-03-2009, 07:30 AM

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month."

CasterTroy · 12-04-2009, 02:17 PM

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

Rider · 12-04-2009, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

CasterTroy · 12-14-2009, 10:11 AM

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

Particle Man · 12-14-2009, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

I'm going to hell for laughing at that

marko138 · 12-14-2009, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

More like "Today's Unfunny"

CasterTroy · 12-15-2009, 09:52 AM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court - I pled 'guilty.'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury

marko138 · 12-15-2009, 09:55 AM

Nice.

CasterTroy · 12-15-2009, 10:45 AM

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur
fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer
Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they? Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up
with a Barbie. Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn'twork with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
Santa

CasterTroy · 12-17-2009, 04:27 PM

Two women met in line to the pearly gates.

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

12-03-2009, 07:30 AM	#1
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl Last edited by CasterTroy; 12-04-2009 at 02:17 PM..

12-04-2009, 02:17 PM	#2
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent. __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-14-2009, 10:11 AM	#4
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt." I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply. He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt." I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything. He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door." At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-15-2009, 09:52 AM	#7
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court - I pled 'guilty.' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-15-2009, 10:45 AM	#9
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	If Santa answered his mail honestly... Dear Santa I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn'twork with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-17-2009, 04:27 PM	#10
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	Two women met in line to the pearly gates. 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die? 1st woman : I Froze to Death. 2nd woman : How Horrible! 1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl